Memoir: Waking

"Those who are wise lament neither for the living nor for the dead"
-The Bhagavad Gita. Ch. 2.11
In reading waking, it seemed as though Sanford has an intimate grasp on this notion haven gone through his traumatic accident and recovery and ultimately finding yoga. The notion of detachment and shedding of worldly desires is something that continues to tug at me. I’m really wrestling with it. In reading the memoir Waking, this is a theme I picked up on that resonates. Waking chronicles this idea of soul/mind and body and how the two interact. A resounding theme described in the latter half of the book is about integrating body and mind; the physical with the metaphysical to maximize and actualize self. It is a powerful account of how yoga and asana practice facilitates that.
I realize that is the focus of the book – his journey through yoga and asana to divorce himself from what has happened to him to find who he is, his “way.” However powerful and moving that is, this is not what moved me the most in the book. I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, because I know I’ve commented on this before in class. However, this idea of mortality, love and detachment keeps tugging at me. Essentially, I understand and agree with the notion that what we do and all that we possess is not what we are. I am a soul, a metaphysical/spiritual being in this physical existence attempting to learn all I can. Yet along the way some of the possessions I’ve come to acquire are hard for me to not lament.
This is a little aside. I know the saying goes; when given a blessing do not ask why it was sent. However, I find myself constantly wondering what it is I’m doing right to deserve the people in my life. They are my greatest treasures; a source of so much joy, their love is part of the Divine love felt in my life. Truth is, that love is something I both give and desire. Though I feel my grieving process is a healthy one, like most people I have an issue saying goodbye. I’m not lamenting their assumed ascension to a different and presumably better place. Honestly, I lament the fact that they have left the immediate right here-and-now with me. Does that mean their love is any less present in my life? Perhaps I’m thinking too much about it. I just feel as though they are something I am extremely attached to and their absence speaking specifically of my immediate family would render me in a sort of temporary paralysis. I don’t know if that is a bad attachment to have – to the love of people in my life. That is something I’m trying to understand. I’m not sure if Waking offered any concise clarification on the issue.
Realizing that we never cease to be, my loved ones - even though physically absent or distant- does provide comfort. However, the issue is in adjusting to – for lack of a better phrase – the loss of something treasured.
Something that struck me in the memoir was the way in which Sanford described the death of his father and sister. He states that their death had become their life. Though I hear the sadness in his account of the passing of his father and sister, Sanford seems so very detached from that aspect. He speaks of the dreams and his connection to Laura, his sister, in these dreams. In them he cries and releases the built up emotions within, but it still doesn’t resonate with me on an emotional level. I guess I am hung up on this most of all because although he expresses grief, it does not seem passionate. I understand this to be a memoir and recollection of his journey; but as I try to put myself in his shoes I feel as though I would experience it so much more differently. I believe the paralysis and zeal to survive for my remaining family members would be at the forebrain of my existence. However, I think the sudden loss of my loved ones – the realization that they are gone – would wreck me under those circumstances. That makes me reflect my existence and love as an attachment. I guess Sanford was just focusing on one aspect of his life at a time; a survival mechanism in more respects than one. His phrase “Death as it is absorbed by the living,” comes to mind.
Another recurrent theme that struck me with this memoir is that of dreams and their connection to the transcendent. He recounts his brothers’ apparent dream of the accident years before it occurred, another dream of the accident from a friend, and physically transcendent yet tangible encounters with his deceased sister. Although Sanford does not claim to be clairvoyant, or possessing any medium or psychic power he accepts the dreams and visions as part of his existence – tantric. I find this an interesting response. I have experienced something similar.
Several years ago, I distinctly remember having a dream in which I was in the back of a funeral procession leading into a large stone building with architecture reminiscent of the southwest located in a vast sand plain. Upon entering I went right, separate from the rest of the procession dressed in black. I entered an all-white room with a sofa, window, and black woman dressed in white seated on a couch. I sat at her feet like a kindergartener about to receive instruction. I asked the beautiful smiling woman many questions; only two of which I remember. The question was this: the true nature and role of Jesus. To which she pointed to her right and said: “he sits here.” The second question was: what is heaven like? To that she smiled and presented me with the back of a mirror. Without warning, she tossed the mirror in my face and I was met with the most blinding white light. It is kind of indescribable. A few weeks later, one of my eldest Aunts passed away. Months later my favorite Aunt would also pass away. After months of hospital visits and long drives to and from San Antonio she was committed to hospice. I remember returning home from hospice after saying my last goodbyes. I dreamed that night. I dreamed that I woke up from my bed in North Russell and looked over to the other bed in my room to see my aunt. She had on her hospital robe, her legs were amputated (as they were when she died). She smiled at me. She said through tears: “Hello Sunshine. I’m going to miss you.” To which my reply was the same. I’ll never forget that. People will say that was just a dream or my mind consolidating the happenings of my life. Like Sanford, I accept it as part of my experience, some real, something felt. In the end, I guess that’s all we can do.

Legend of Bagger Vance

I really enjoyed watching the Legend of Bagger Vance. The ties to the Gita were undeniable. Junah similar to Arjuna sees his comrades fall in war, prompts him to give up on "the game," needing to regain his swing. Aside from the obvious allusions to the Krishna and Arjuna through names and trade, allusions to the battlefield and war the relationship between the two parrallels that of Krishna and Arjuna. Teacher and disciple is displayed beautifully in the movie. Bagger Vance appears an all-knowing character that equips Junah with the tools necessary to navigating the field; game playing as an end in it's own right. This individualized "swing" alludes to the "way" chronicled in The Gita.
Bagger Vance exudes Divine patience. In the movie Junah is stumbling through the field, through life making mistakes. Even after moments of clarity and "right swing" his arrogance impeded him. Bagger's attempts to steer him is never intrusive, nor prying. He is there, as he always has been, similar to the nature of Krishna. Each individual "way" can only be discovered by that individual. No one can find it for you. For Junah, Bagger couldn't find the swing for him, or see it for him. However, by his submission to Bagger's direction and teachings, practice and focus he did reclaim his "swing" (actualizing the way)
Overall, the movie was a nice way to connect the Gita on a more proximal plane. I'd be down to watch it again!

Living Large

This week has been particularly stressful. It seems like everything is due, graduation applications, Job applications and interviews, projects, papers, etc. The list goes on. I'm pretty resilient and know that I will get things done. This week however, I found that I just wanted to curl up and let the time pass by. My practice consequently has involved poses that took up space and require much more focus and centered energy. I don't know why but I keep coming back to warrior pose - it just makes me feel like "okay, lets do this!" That pose use to require so much focus and strength (I would literally shake while doing the pose). Although it is still difficult to sustain, I've noticed that my strength in that pose has increased. Triangle pose and tree pose are ones that I returned to this week. I must admit that the backward bend where you grab your ankle and roll. . . yeah. . . that one was in there just because it brings me back down. Oddly it makes me smile and places things in perspective. All those poses to me are the opposite of curling in a ball and letting life go by. Time to roll up my sleeves and dig in!

Without Doubt?

Without doubt. That to me is really interesting. Living in a post-modern world where truth with a capital "T" is not always accepted, the idea of having no doubt is forgein. My faith is comprised of doubt. Chapter 8 says that salvation is attained by focusing on the Divine, remwmbering the Divone. Is that essentially focusing on the self and oneness of creation? This reading facilitated more questions than anything. In any case it sounds similar to still fluctuations. Moreover, in the christian tradition Brahmans claim to salvation is similar to Jesus': devotion, faith, etc. Constant meditative thought.
At first I thought well isn't this life abt experiencing life and the people in it? Previous reading regards this life asLiving as a spiritual being having a human experience. Thinking more it prompts me to say well perhaps in this human experience we forget our nature becoming too attached to this life. What does that nean though? How can one gain by experience but not become attached? What abt things like love?

Yoga: From the Inside Out

                Something that really resonated with me about the book “Yoga: From the inside out” was this old sage saying: we are spiritual beings having a human experience. That in all the eternal that is us confined within this limited capacity this is just a moment, and however limited we are – there are still many things that we can, and should experience with this vessel. I found that to be enlightening. It colored not only the way I read the rest of the book but the way I examine my life, the people in it and my relation to them. How differently we would treat others if we really felt as though we were in contact with The Divine itself. I guess that is part of release from the sleeping world.

                                The chronicle of the author’s journey into war to find peace, her awakening from the sleep state was interesting to observe. The war that she waged with herself, her body was one of epic proportions and one that I think is worth having. I would bet money I don’t have that every person I’ve ever come into contact with at some point fell victim to the “body-image game” as the author puts it. It is a rather insidious cultural happenstance.  

Sell touches on this in the book, but the African American community notoriously has been relatively unaffected by issues of “bad body-image” and weight consciousness than other cultural groups. That is heavier weight; curvier and bigger frames are not stigmatized or disapproved of the way they are in other ethnicities. In fact those aspects of women are particularly prized within the community. However, more and more the incidence of African American woman dieting, having “poor body images,” developing eating disorders is slowly rising. Typically African American women are among those to have the highest levels of positive body images. Growing up in that community I was indeed taught to love the skin and shape that I was in. Many of the women in my family (role models) were fuller formed and exuded confidence. For most of my life I have held the same sentiment.

However, l I too have struggled with body image issues in the past. Most people would have never known it. I hid that fact well. Still the comments and attitude of many time peers outside my own cultural group affected me. It took a lot of self-examination and insight to reach a place where I could look in the mirror and feel okay about what I saw looking back at me. I had positive body image. I believed I had made significant enough progress to say that I have a positive body image. Sell mentioned a commentary on the notion of body image from a guru. He states that the very idea of body image be it positive or negative, needs to be obliterated.  It by definition places a dichotomous statement of satisfaction and worth. Even though one may have a positive body image the fact remains that body image denotes either approval or disapproval. That in and of itself is a destructive construct.

 After reading this book, that fact was made irrelevant and ignorant.  However as stated above that is an incredibly misguided way of thinking characterized by vanity and commercial exploitation from the “sleeping world.” Health, vitality, connection to the Divine – these are the type things our bodily awareness should cultivate. It’s not about how positive I feel about the way I look. That idea is not important in the grand scheme. It has no place in the “real world.” It’s merely a superficial expression meant to mask our pain of our current condition in the “Sleeping world.” This was an enlightening aspect of tantric yoga that Sell discussed. Abandoning the notion of body image is to abandon one of the notions that has succeeded in keeping us fettered to the “Sleeping World.” This really resonated  with me.

Still, the awakening to the Sleeping world is a process that occurs over time. All things are a process. Her journey illustrates this beautifully. As I read I was surprised to find that as an instructor she was still struggling with body image issues. I don’t know why. This probably shouldn’t have struck me as odd because instructors , though they teach, are students of yoga as well. A particular passage that struck me was when she discusses when she overhears someone tell her friend not to wear black pants when she is teaching because it hinders the students from seeing what the legs are truly doing in a pose. To which she responds that she wears black pants for that very reason. This awareness, realization and recognition of superficiality prompted her to examine why she does that. The purpose of yoga is not for show but for union with the divine, ascension to new spiritual heights. She eventually removes the pants for something less flattering. Yet this change provides better vantage for students and better range of motion and ease of asana. The mere act of changing clothes (stripping away the influence of the Sleeping World) better facilitated Yoga.

Powerful. Realness. Experiencing the here and now, taking life for what it is – this is what tantric yoga is designed to do. Within the book Sell comments on what that means, how to respond to this world. I am by nature a very passionate person. I’ve always understood that to mean that this life, and the people in it matter to me. I am expressive and emotionally available because it matters to me. Nonchalance and apathy is not something that analogous with caring, loving and living this life. So when I first read the section on becoming un-phased by things I was immediately reserved to that notion. I realize that it does not mean stoicism but tantric acceptance for the way things are and making peace with that. However, I do believe ourselves to be an integral aspect in the equation of change. I guess I need to read more on the subject but I do not think that I would want to dispassionately move through this human experience.

This was a good book filled with passages that quick literally rocked my world and the way I think of it. Great read.

Hips Don't Lie

I haven't been able to do inversions this week, but I have been practicing, pranayama. It really does call for a great deal of control. Breathing - such a fundamental, involuntary action - when controlled yields great change in the dynamic of the body. I think more than anything else we've done thus far in (besides shoulder stand) the breathing exercises have served best at quieting my mind and forcing me to focus in on one aspect of life and honestly just stop the constant buzzing of life.

I had one question about hips (hence the title). When we did asana that one week where we rotated our hips and such, during the asana practice it felt great. However, afterwards my left hip bothered me a bit. It had actually been bothering me but I think the moving around agitated it. It was fine for a while and now it is once again a little painful. It's mostly when I go from a sitting to a prone position that it begins to feel painful. My hips naturally pop, but for several weeks my left one hasn't been. I guess my question is what poses should I do to get this left hip to act right?

Finding Strength

With graduation around the corner my fluctuations of mind regarding the future and things I must do are really roaring. I know what I need to do, I have a peace about where I'm going but with me being pulled in so many places I really need to some practice so grounded fortitude. There are the pictures, announcements/invitations, graduate school applications, internship for next semester. So my practices lately have consisted of standing balances poses (tree pose, triangle pose) and those of strength (warrior pose). They force me to center myself, to realize that in all that is going on in life and all that I must do to not loose sight of myself, and why exactly I have to do such things. The process of balance and becoming centered, for me, prompts me to look inward and realize that I am on track, that I am capable, and I am right on time. No need to stress.